Ryoga stared at the unopened envelope in his hand. Finely written and meticulously detailed calligraphy on the back ironically told him the whole story in stark clarity.

'From Saotome Ranma and Tendo Akane'.

With trembling hands he carefully opened the envelope and read the card inside.

Afterwards, he replaced the card into the envelope, closed it slowly, and set it down on his bed. He turned around and picked up his backpack, which he slung over his back. "One month," he finally said. "One month to clear my mind. One month to be alone with my thoughts." He took the torn photo-wallet that lay on his dresser, illuminated by a lamp which he turned off before he left his room. He stared at it for a moment before placing it in his pocket.

As he crossed through the front doorway of his house, he laughed to himself softly. "Here I go again," he said, "running away from my pain. Heh, although I do prefer the term, 'going on a journey to clear my mind'."

He wasn't sure where he was going, but then again, he never was.

A car passed him by as he walked along the highway going to...wherever it was going, it was away from the city. Its headlights shone on him as it passed him by.

A thought, a single name flashed in his mind, and it left him standing still on the side of the road. Silently, he bowed his head, weeping.

In the darkness of the tunnel, he walked on.

Blinking back tears, he tightly grasped the straps of his backpack, nails digging into his palm...He clutched onto the physical pain, desperately using it to block out the emotional pain he could not bear...

Blood stained his nails and dripped onto the road.

Emerging from the tunnel, fresh air and sunlight greeted him, in contrast to the dark sky and city lights he had left behind. Amid the rice paddies and fields, he continued onward, head bowed. Birds chirped, leaves rustled in the summer breeze, and the sun shone on a particularly beautiful day.

Shoes dusty from the dirt road he found himself on, he strove to walk on...

In the shade of an old tree, near the edge of a waterfall, Ryoga took off his backpack and dropped it on the ground. He choked back a sob, and fell to his knees, weeping bitterly.

He desperately searched his mind for the reason why he loved Akane so much... He clutched at everything his mind could grasp at... her face... her eyes... her kindness... her courage... the way she spoke... the way she walked... the way she laughed... the way she understood him when no one else did...

...In an effort to rip it out of his soul, to amputate it, to end the pain...

...But he could not put a name to his love. He could not cut it off from himself, because it WAS himself, and to name his love would cheapen it...would limit it to the point of farce, of cliche...

In the shade of an old tree, near the edge of a waterfall, Ryoga found the elusive feeling that poets sought after in order to capture in words and set syllables, the emotion that songs attempted to convey in notes and lyrics...

He had found it, and he was at a loss for words.

The setting sun and the rising moon were witness to a young man, camped on a cliff overlooking the cold northern sea, waves crashing onto the rocks below. He was silent, tracing the horizon with his eyes...He stared into the sun, and stretched out his hand, as if to touch it...He shook his head as he drew his hand back, and he turned back...

Having passed through another tunnel (or was it the same one?) and having walked for...an indeterminate period, he found himself crossing forests and bamboo groves, and finally...

He was staring into the lone mountain that broke the horizon.

Fuji-san.

It has been said that a man could find enlightenment by climbing to the top of this mountain once, and so, Ryoga strove to do just that.

The summer weather had been kind, and Ryoga found he had less to contend with the cold of the snows covering the peak and more with the loose handholds and footholds the melting snows had created.

He reached the peak.

And, in the loneliness at the top of Fuji-san, he saw the land in all its splendor, all its glory, awash in the light of the full moon. And instead of the magnitude of it all showing him the insignificance of himself, he felt...alive. More alive than he had ever felt in his entire life. And he realized the meaning of his pain.

For long moments, he stood, arms outstretched, on the top of Fuji-san, staring at the sky, at the deep all-encompassing blueness...

He wept silently as he did this, and he realized that the pain meant what he thought it did, all along...

"The measure of one's love," he said to himself, repeating something he had once heard but could never really understand before, "is in the sorrow of its passing. If one is afraid of sorrow, one can never fully love..."

In the span of a moment, as long as the full height of the moon to the rising of the sun, Ryoga drank in the bittersweetness of his pain...and remembered...

---

...The photo wallet!

He had grasped one end, and Ranma grasped the other. Ranma was going to fall unless he held on!

He felt it give! He felt it being torn down the middle by Ranma’s weight!

With a resounding final rip, Ranma fell, one end still clutched in his hand... Ryoga could only watch as Ranma plummeted to whatever awaited him below...

Ryoga opened his hand and stared at the end he grasped. The end he had chosen to hold on to.

---

In the light of the morning sun, Ryoga stared at his torn photo wallet. At the picture of Akari.

"I knew," said Ryoga to himself. "I knew all along. I chose Akari because I knew. I chose Akari because I had already realized it...and I was only lying to myself because I was..."

Ryoga shut his eyes as he forced the words out. "...Because I was afraid to let go. And yet I knew..." He shook his head violently, trying to rid his mind of the thought...

"No." That last was a whisper, which grew into a shout, a scream erupting from within his chest..."NO! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S A LIE!!!"

A pillar of light streaked from the top of Fuji-san, briefly illuminating the night sky.

Ryoga bowed his head, the blast falling over and around him, the blinding light hiding his tears from whomever might be watching. And with that, Ryoga abandoned his enlightenment, the truth he had discovered on the lonely peak of Fuji-san.

Ryoga made his way down the slope and started back to Nerima, wherever that was...

I will not let go, vowed Ryoga. I will not succumb to...the nothingness...to the lack of feeling that lurks at the edge of my pain...the numbness that threatens to engulf me if I let go. I will not let go. I will not.

Ryoga never believed that the eyes were the windows of the soul, because of the mere fact that no one he met could read his emotions. Not Ranma, not his father, not Kasumi, not Mr. Tendo, not even Akane. Everyone seemed oblivious to the way he felt, and the place seemed blanketed by the happiness of the occasion.

Ryoga found this oppressive.

Strangely enough, he was the first guest to arrive, and he waited inside the living room. His kimono felt unusually stifling, and he refused the green tea offered to him.

Why did I even come here? thought Ryoga. Why did I even bother to dignify this occasion by coming here?

He heard Kasumi's voice from somewhere upstairs..."Oh, Akane, you look beautiful in your kimono!"

"Oh, you're just saying that..."

She is the reason. She is the reason for everything.

The wedding was to be held in the Tendo dojo, in the traditional Shinto manner. Akane had not quite arrived yet, and Ranma shifted around, looking uncomfortable. Ryoga had to admit to himself, Ranma looked almost...regal in his formal kimono, although he still managed to retain that boyish arrogance in his expression.

Shampoo was obviously restraining herself from disrupting the ceremonies like last time. Ryoga wasn't quite sure about the details, only that she was bound by some code of honor not to interfere. She bit her lower lip as she looked at Ranma, and sighed. Mousse put a hand to hers, looked at her and shook his head slowly, and she abruptly turned to look at him, appearing to strike...But she simply sighed and turned away, although she clasped Mousse's hand all the more tightly.

Kodachi's face was unreadable. Actually, Ryoga thought, it seemed unnaturally calm... calm perhaps to the point of... madness? Had she snapped? Or had she finally come to her senses? Whatever it that was keeping her to her seat was working, and she showed as little sign as Shampoo showed as to disrupting the wedding.

Kuno. Now here was something strange. He had challenged Ranma to some duel to the death, which Ranma promptly won. Ranma then spared his life, which left Kuno indebted by honor to Ranma. Ranma told him never to bother Akane again. Apparently, Kuno WAS a man of his word after all, and kept his promise. Kuno was now muttering something about his pig-tailed goddess, whom, if Ranma had his way, he would never, EVER, see again.

And then his eyes turned to Ukyo.

Her smile, her eyes...they spoke volumes to Ryoga, the way he never thought his own eyes would. It was love that shone in her eyes, pure and unconditional love...all the more tragic because it was unrequited, like his own...

Ranma will never know how much you love him, Ukyo. He doesn't realize now, and he never will. He thinks he does, because you've told him about it, and still he chose Akane. But you see...your words could never possibly convey how deeply you feel for him. The only way he would possibly be able to know is if he loved you, and he doesn't...at least, not the way you want, not the way he should...

He suddenly saw something in Ukyo's eyes that...disturbed him. It was an emotion, no, a decision, that he feared. She somehow seemed...at peace...because of whatever it was, and yet he knew - he vowed - he would never make that decision. And yet, he envied her, he envied the peace she had found...

And then Akane arrived.

For a moment, the world around Ryoga stopped, and all he was aware of was her...

She was beautiful...breathtaking in her wedding kimono...Her face was alight with happiness, complemented by the jewels she wore, partly hidden by the veil...her hair arranged as such...

Her eyes...Her eyes sparkled with...life. That was the only word Ryoga could find to call it. Akane was fully alive, and her joy brought mixed tears into Ryoga's eyes, tears of happiness for Akane mixed with bitter tears for himself...

Through a haze of detachment, Ryoga witnessed the ceremony as it unfolded around him. From outside the void within himself, he saw and felt every detail...the shy smile on Akane's face as she looked at Ranma...the rustle of cloth as Ranma shifted around nervously in his kimono...the bittersweet tears welling up in Ukyo's eyes...

He heard the priest intone the traditional prayers... He saw the texture of the bread as it was being shared by Akane and Ranma...the awkwardness of Ranma's chewing and the delicateness of Akane's...

He saw Ranma nearly spill his sake in his nervousness...he saw Akane's hidden smile as she pretended not to notice while keeping her eyes to the floor...

He felt the apprentice hand the cup of sake over to him, and tasted the quality of the rice wine on his tongue...he felt the burn of the sake as it passed down his throat...

All these details would be lost from his memory forever, all that transpired would be as a blur to him, and he would not be able to recall a single detail in retrospect...simply because he had detached himself, in an effort to keep his sanity.

The haze shattered in a moment of intense clarity.

Ranma was kissing Akane.

Ryoga bit his lip as he tried to shut the image out...he tasted blood...

He reached into his pocket and tightly clasped the half of the photo wallet that contained Akari's photo...

...His fingers traced the torn edge, and he was suddenly reminded of his decision... of the half that Ranma had taken with him...

Ryoga absently picked at his food, hardly noticing how much Akane and Ranma's parents must have spent on it. He was listening to Mr. Tendo's attempted speech for the newlyweds, which was interspersed with sobs every two words.

Mr. Saotome was helping him out and was patting his friend on the back. His arm was around Mrs. Saotome, who was beaming in pride for her son and wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

He tried to drown these images and sounds out in sake and his own thoughts.

I should be happy. I mean, I'm happy with Akari. She cares for me deeply and I care for her...She gives me this warm feeling inside whenever I think of her. I should be content. I think I am content...but is contentment what I want?

It's not your fault, Akari...I'm just a fool. I know how much you care for me, and I truly am happy that you do. I truly am...happy...

He looked up from his cup and saw Akane's smiling face, radiant as she gazed into her husband's eyes...he read the joy in her eyes and it pierced him to the core.

Ryoga choked back the tears as he screamed inside himself.

DAMN IT!!! I love her! I'm supposed to feel happy for her, I'm supposed to share in her happiness... BUT I CAN'T! WHY?! Why can't I find it inside my self to do so? Am I truly that shallow? Is my love for her real? DO I REALLY LOVE HER?!

Ryoga suddenly laughed bitterly to himself, the edge of his laughter pointing inward at himself. Maybe I really am unworthy for her, after all, he thought. I mean, I can't even be happy for her, so what's there that I have that can possibly justify my love for her?

"Hey."

He found himself looking into Ukyo's eyes. She was smiling, although her eyes expressed an emotion other than happiness. And that... thing... was still in her eyes.

"Ukyo?"

She turned away for a moment, and said in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, "Boy, this sake's strong. I think I need some fresh air to clear my head." She turned back to him and asked him, "Do you want to come along? I could sure use some company."

Ryoga and Ukyo sat on the porch, facing the fishpond. Long moments of silence passed between both of them, as sounds of laughter came from inside the dojo.

Finally, Ryoga asked Ukyo, "Are you happy for Ranma?"

"Huh? Oh. Yes, I am..." Ukyo sighed. "No, not exactly. I AM happy for him because he's happy, and yet..."

Ryoga said, as he pitched a pebble into the fish pond, "And yet you feel sad, because you know that he’s happy not because he loves you, but because he loves Akane."

For a long moment, Ukyo was silent. Ryoga immediately regretted his words, and said, "Um...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

Ukyo shook her head. "It... It’s okay, Ryoga. You're right. But then again, who am I to stop him from having his happiness with another person?"

"Who are you? You're the one who loves him, that's who you are!"

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE, DOES IT?!" snapped Ukyo. Her expression softened, though, and she added, "I'm sorry...it's just that..."

"I understand," Ryoga said, nodding slowly. ‘I understand’. Why did I say that? I hate that phrase! he thought. It sounds so patronizing, no matter whom it comes from. Even if Akane told it to me. No, especially if she told it to me. That’s the last thing I want to hear from her. So why did I say it? I said it because... I didn’t know what else to say. Nothing else seemed right.

He bowed his head in sudden realization. He kept his head bowed for a long, agonizing moment, fighting back waves of shame and guilt; then he shook his head and turned to face Ukyo.

Ukyo turned back to look at the pond, but it was obvious to Ryoga that she was fighting back her tears. "...It's just that...if he knew how much I loved him, and he still chose her...who am I to tell him otherwise?"

No, he doesn’t know how much you love him, thought Ryoga, and he never will. "You've...you've accepted this," he said instead. It was not a question.

Ukyo sighed. "Yes. What CAN I do but accept?"

"But," Ryoga asked, "aren't you afraid that once you forget him, you'll find that whatever it was that made your senses so much clearer will be gone? That you'd go numb?"

Ukyo's expression hardened, her jaw set. "No."

"But..."

She shook her head, firmly this time. "I'm not afraid of that, Ryoga. Do you want to know why?"

Ryoga nodded slowly.

Ukyo sighed, and said, "It's because I know - I KNOW - that I will never forget him, no matter what. Not even if I end up with someone else. The thought of him will always linger somewhere in the back of my mind, and it will always be there." At Ryoga's silent assent, she continued. "It's painful to think about, I know. But you see, that's what makes everything so clear. That the meaning of my pain is that I am alive, and that I am truly capable of loving. I know now that no one can accuse me of being shallow, because I know I have truly felt love for another. Whether or not the love was returned really makes no difference. I have loved. That’s all that matters."

No one said anything for a long while after that. The two of them just sat there, staring at the koi pond, Ryoga pitching pebbles into it every so often.

Ukyo seemed to laugh at some secret joke only she knew. She chuckled softly to herself, then the chuckle faded, leaving a strange, wistful expression on her face that Ryoga could not figure out. Then he knew what it was.

She was holding back her tears.

An ache filled Ryoga, and he had to turn away. He stared at the pebble in his hand for a moment before throwing it, and he watched it lazily arc before falling into the pond. He had no idea what to say, he had no idea what to feel at the moment. He couldn’t even listen, because nothing was being said. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the expression on Ukyo’s face, because it made him feel so helpless to do anything to comfort her.

Comfort her. What an odd thought. Comfort Ukyo. The thought, the feeling had never crossed his mind before. It had never occurred to him to do something like that for her. Was it because they both gave the impression that each hated the other’s guts? No, that wasn’t it. It was because... It was because she had never dropped her guard like this before. It was because she always had this air of having it all together. It was because he had always thought she didn’t need it. And now that she did, he didn’t know what to do. Or how to do it. It always seemed so inappropriate for him to do anything for Ukyo. He tried to speak, tried to say something to comfort her, to ease her pain, but his mouth seemed to dry up, and before he could put it into words, he felt the moment pass, and so he said nothing.

"What about you, Ryoga?" Ukyo finally asked, breaking the silence.

For a moment, Ryoga was silent, then he said, "I feel the way you feel, to a point. That the pain is what tells me I’m alive, that having loved is what matters and not whether it’s returned or not...but," he added, "I can't let go. I can't."

"Why?"

Ryoga swallowed hard, and finally said, "Because I'm afraid, Ukyo. I’m afraid that once I let go, I’ll go numb... That I’ll lose whatever it is that tells me that I’m alive."

Ukyo shrugged. "I was afraid, too."

Ryoga frowned, slightly. "I know that."

"Let her go, Ryoga. If you love Akane, let her go. If you don't, do you truly love her?"

Ryoga scowled at this and stood up, pointing a finger at Ukyo. "Don't you DARE tell me whether I love Akane or not! Don’t you DARE make me prove my love for her! What would YOU know about it, anyway?!"

Ukyo sighed and said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

But Ryoga would have none of it. "I'M the one who defended her when she needed me, I'M the one who watched over her sleep when she ran away from home, I'M the one who left when I thought I wasn't noble enough for her, and I'M the one who spent countless nights crying myself to sleep thinking about her! So don't you DARE tell me what I should and should not do to prove that I love her!"

Ukyo simply shook her head, eyes not leaving the pond. "I see your point, but... I wouldn’t be saying these things if I didn’t believe they were true."

"I...." She's right, Ryoga realized. "I...I know."

Ukyo suddenly stared at Ryoga, wide-eyed. "R... Ryoga..."

"I..." Ryoga took out his photo wallet. He handed it to Ukyo. "I realize now. I had already chosen, long ago. I’ve known it for a long time, and I knew it when I chose to save Akari's photo instead of Akane's. I was just lying to myself the whole time, thinking I would win her over from Ranma...But I'm afraid to let go, Ukyo."

Ukyo handed the photo wallet back to Ryoga, and silently stared at him, nodding softly.

Ryoga chuckled to himself and continued, "You know, I've been thinking of getting rid of this photo wallet. You know, getting a new one to put Akari's photo in?"

He traced the torn edge with his finger. "It reminds me too much of Akane, which really isn't fair to Akari. But I can't seem to bring myself to get rid of it, because I'm afraid that if I do, I'd be letting go of a part of myself that I don't want to let go of, that I'd be ending a part of my life that I don't want to end."

Ukyo closed her eyes and shook her head. "This part of your life has to end, Ryoga. It already has ended for Akane. Why insist on prolonging a chapter that no one else is a part of anymore?"

"Excuse me," said Kasumi as she arrived from the dojo, "but Ranma and Akane want you to say a few words, Ryoga."

Ukyo looked at Ryoga, then said, "He'll be right there," to Kasumi, then turned back to Ryoga. "Well?"

Ryoga sighed. "I...I'll be there in a minute, Kasumi."

After Kasumi had left, Ukyo turned to Ryoga and said, "Well, they're waiting for us."

"I can't, Ukyo," Ryoga pleaded. "You know that..."

"No, I don't know it, Ryoga," Ukyo said, arms crossed in front of her. "And if you have any love for Akane at all...you'll at least say something nice to her and... and Ranma."

Ryoga simply stared down at the ground, caught in indecision...

"Well?" said Ukyo. "Are you coming or not?"

"And so, Ranma," said Ryoga to the appreciative audience, "even though we always haven't been on the best of terms for the long time that we've known each other, I wish you and Akane a good life together."

"Hey, thanks man! You're not all bad after all!" said Ranma, smiling at him and kissing Akane on the cheek.

"To your life together!" said Ukyo as she raised her cup in a toast. The others immediately followed suit, adding their own toasts.

Shampoo said as she raised her own cup, "To Ranma and Akane."

"To brides and brides-to-be!" This from Mousse, which drew a questioning but amused glance from Shampoo.

"To me!" This drew uncomfortable glances at Kodachi, who started drinking like there was no tomorrow.

"To Akane Tendo, may you be blessed by the gods." Kuno raised his own cup. "You will be needing it, married to that fiend..." he added under his breath.

"To the honeymoon!" At this little joke by Happosai, the entire group punched the old lecher through the roof.

Genma and Nodoka said in unison as they looked at each other, "To love and marriage."

Soun sobbed, "To my late wife's spirit. Dear, I know you’re watching right now. You must be as proud as I am." Everyone nodded, took a moment of silence, then renewed their toasts to the happy couple.

Everyone turned to face Ryoga expectantly...

Ryoga looked at Ukyo.

Why can't you understand? he thought, pleading with her silently. Don't you see how painful for me this is? Don't you see how much pride I have to swallow to do this? To say this thing that is not coming from my heart at all?

Ukyo turned to Ryoga and looked directly into his eyes. She simply nodded at him, but the look in her eyes told him she understood his pain, and that it showed in his own...

It showed in his eyes.

For one, painful moment, Ryoga shut his eyes...He fought it back, that terrible urge, but he felt it rising within himself, and he could no longer hold it back...

With a raise of his glass and a conviction in his voice that was stronger than anything he had ever felt in his life, he turned to Ranma and Akane, and spoke... the emotion, the decision, that translated into the painful words that somehow came from the bottom of his heart... the words that would end this chapter of his life forever...

"So that we may we all share in it always...To your happiness."

TimeRunner, August 24, 1997